Everyone's Waiting
by landslide-state-of-mind
Summary: Aubrey Posen knows exactly what the plan is. Everyone's waiting for it, but Aubrey can't help but feel like there's another way to be. Chaubrey, but mostly Aubrey. Based on Missy Higgins' song of the same name.


_I know all the lines to say  
__The part I'm expected to play  
__But in the reflection I am worlds away_

When Aubrey Posen went home for the summer after graduating college, she knew what to expect. Her father would grill her incessantly about grad school. The hot topic would probably be the fact that she didn't get into Harvard Law. She did get accepted to Yale, to Stanford, to Duke, Cornell and Berkeley and Northwestern - but not Harvard. And for that, she would still be forced to apologize, all this time later. Because Grampa Posen was a lawyer, a Harvard-educated lawyer, same as Great-Grampa Posen, and Colonel Posen would have been a Harvard-educated lawyer except the Air Force had stolen his heart away as a young man. He had no regrets about this. His only dream was that his son would become a Harvard-educated lawyer and carry on the tradition. Except Colonel Posen had no sons, just two daughters, and Aubrey was the firstborn, so it fell to her. But she had failed.

Aubrey had been groomed for law from the moment she could read. So, since age four and four months, it was decided that she was to be a lawyer. Everybody knew it. Aubrey had perfected the responses regarding her future career when she was ten. I'm looking forward to continuing the family tradition. Law is what Posens do. I plan on further esteeming the Posen name through an extensive and successful legal career. While all the other little girls were deciding whether they wanted to be ballerinas or hairdressers, Aubrey was deciding between tax law, international law or good old fashioned courtroom brawling. The other girls at her high school wanted to go to colleges in places like California and New York because it all seemed so glamorous. Aubrey was accepted early entry to Barden four days into the freshman draft. Her college classes were set in concrete. And her law school applications were filled out as before she could even send them in.

Sometimes she worried about the childhood she missed. She never did see much of the world while she was growing up. Her parents had taken her to every decent library and museum in the country, but by the time she got to college, she had never done the sorts of things that most girls did before they hit middle school. Like sleepovers at a friends house. Like go to a carnival, or to an amusement park. Like graze her knees rollerskating, or falling out of a tree. And she secretly wanted those things desperately. She didn't want to be that weird kid who couldn't play after school. She didn't want to be the only girl in her high school class who graduated never having been kissed. She didn't want to be the single redeeming hope for the Posen family's legal tradition. She would rather be... anywhere.

_As I put my costume on  
__Eyelashes one by one  
__Been doing this so long I can tie the knot  
__behind my back_

She supposed she could have said something about it, at some point. But when she was twelve, she figured out that the only way to get her father to spend time with her was to talk about the great things she would do as a lawyer one day. If he wasn't away on active duty, they'd spend nights sitting either side of the gigantic mahogany desk in the study - a piece of furniture that to this very day Aubrey couldn't decide whether it was ghastly or magnificent - and discuss the day's legal matters from the paper. Aubrey could argue a motion before she could walk in heels. She could level a man with her stare at fourteen, and deliver flawless monologue well before that. Colonel Posen would beam with pride, and tell his Air Force buddies that his daughter was going to be a force to be reckoned with.

Middle school was when the Colonel was most often away, and Mama Posen had her greatest hand in Aubrey's upbringing. Sure, the woman was there as she got up, got dressed and went about her day, got herself off to school and home again. She made sure Aubrey did all her homework, did at least an hour of reading. But as she became a young woman, it was about composure. Looking perfect. Remaining calm. Never ever letting on that something may be wrong. Projecting confidence in oneself, but not to the point where one's partner was shadowed, or that one came of as an insufferable know it all. Knowing how to submit to elders. How to make the perfect wife for the right man of proper standing someday. She was flawless, top to bottom, and it didn't make the girls from her childhood like her any more. They hated her, and she pretended she didn't notice, but she did. And the boys she was supposed to be courting thought she was a ball-buster, and stayed away from her. She ached with loneliness, but was placated by her mother with promises of future riches and acceptance from people of much higher standard than the girls at school.

By the time Aubrey got to college she felt like she was going to combust. Her mother had raised her to be the perfect society woman, her father had raised her to be the replacement for a son he never had. She had an internal checklist of all the things she needed to be in order to make them both happy. And sure it was unfair that the pressure fell to Aubrey and not her younger sister, but Bethany left home at sixteen and moved to some farm to grow organic crops with her hippie friends, so she felt like she had to overcompensate for her somehow. She'd spoken to Bethany twice the summer before she started college - except her name was now Harmony Blue, apparently - and she'd gotten the feeling that her little sister felt sorry for her, like she was forgetting which one of them was the one knee deep in animal feces. It was later that night before Aubrey realised that Harmony Blue was happy, and she was not. She plastered a smile on and continued like the thought had never even occurred to her.

_And everyone's waiting  
__But it's getting harder to hear what my heart is saying  
__Coz everyone's waiting_

Aubrey couldn't just walk away from what was expected of her, though. She was almost a fully grown, legal adult and she had no idea what she wanted to do with her life because she'd accepted that law was her lot, her mantle, her duty. There was simply no other way for her to be. So she relentlessly continued to chase perfection. She didn't give a single thought to her own desires until sophomore year and the perfectly built walls in which her life was contained were catastrophically destroyed by a redhead named Chloe. Chloe, whose eyes must have been from a deal with the devil because they weren't normal eyes, they were bright and blue and unassuming - Aubrey felt like the girl could see straight into her soul. Chloe didn't mean to eradicate those walls, she didn't even have the faintest clue that she was doing it. But down they came, beginning with seven simple words. 'Hey, I'm Chloe. You must be Aubrey.'

The redhead's eyes, at second glance, couldn't be the result of some kind of demonic trade, because there was simply nothing bad in the girl, no place for evil to hide. Her eyes invited Aubrey to trust her for some reason, and she soon found herself slipping and letting out the tiniest details about herself when they talked late at night. Like that she wasn't so crazy about Jane Austen, and that she preferred Kurt Vonnegut. Like that she had boxes of photos in a crate that she took on family holidays - cheap and grainy 35mm film from when she was a kid, and then later sharper digital images - and that she secretly loved the feeling of holding a camera in her hand. Sooner or later she'd catch herself and shut it down - but Aubrey always felt like Chloe knew what she was doing. She'd sense the reticence, and back off subtly, normally biting her lip and looking at her curiously and returning to whatever textbook or magazine or article she was reading. And Aubrey would worry about shutting out the one person she didn't mind letting in.

Then would come agonizing dreams of what she might one day do, if only she wasn't shackled by her meticulously planned out future. She had vivid dreams, almost tangible, of standing in different places all over the world with a camera in her hand - in a wide open field with an expanse of stars filling the night sky, a sky with air so cold she thought she could feel her lungs ache; knee deep in water somewhere warm and sunny, the tang of salt assaulting her nose in her sleep, or lens up close to a gorgeous redhead who somehow snuck her way into every single scene she imagined, light spilling across her hair and making it practically glow. But all of the dreams ended by morning and were swallowed by endless stacks of books, of reviews and case studies. Replaced by a reminder that she was going to be a lawyer - another in a long line of Posen lawyers - and it was too late to dream about stupid photos and exotic places and redheads. Too late to dream about happiness.

_"Just swallow and breathe," she says,  
__"Remember this ain't for you, it's for them  
__And all of those painful lessons you've had to learn  
__You gotta use them, now or never."_

She knew what a Posen assault was like. When she got the news that Harvard wasn't interested, she could have literally died. She spent a solid ninety minutes throwing up into her wastebasket, Chloe holding back her hair and reminding her to breathe or she'd choke. Through the violent retching and tears she explained just how much disappointment this would cause her family. Chloe didn't pretend to understand what it was like for her, she just listened and waited and brought her Gatorade so she didn't dehydrate. She promised to be there when Aubrey called her family, and when the blonde had noted the sadness in her eyes she shook her head. 'It makes me sad to see someone as amazing as you so trodden down before you've even allowed yourself to blossom.' And then she'd taken the wastebasket and cleaned it out, leaving a pale and weak Aubrey reeling at the accuracy of the metaphor.

The phone call had lasted three hours and eight minutes, with much lamentation on her father's part. Naturally the focus was not on the six schools that had accepted her, but the one that hadn't. He promised to see if there weren't strings that could be pulled, and said that he would call back and they would discuss it further another day. The second call a few days later had been four short minutes in which her mother had relayed their preferred options for her grad schooling - Cornell was most favorable for a number of reasons, including a friend of her father's holding an internship for her in his firm - and again, despair that Harvard was not an option, even after the Colonel had tried to persuade them otherwise.

As Aubrey sat on the end of her bed, Chloe was sitting on the other end of it, listening to her talk about what it was like inside her head. Pressure. Constant pressure, like a migraine but one that seeped into her dreams and turned everything into a pulsing nightmare. Chloe had leaned over and clasped her hand, and Aubrey was taken with how much a little gesture could make her forget the million things that were troubling her. 'Maybe instead of making them happy, you should make you happy.' Sure, Aubrey had snorted derisively, and challenged Chloe to come up with a way to make her happy. The redhead smiled and accepted the challenge. The next day she'd presented Aubrey with a camera, nothing super expensive, just an entry level DSLR and walked with her all over the park, watching as the blonde took photo after photo. Then they'd sat together on Aubrey's bed, flicking through the days images. They were great, Chloe decided, but not as great as the fact that Aubrey was smiling all the way to her eyes, and Aubrey declared Chloe the winner of the challenge. Chloe smiled again, this time sadly, and said, 'Up to you now. You know what makes you happy.'

_Coz everyone's waiting  
__But it's getting harder to hear what my heart is saying  
__Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off_

Aubrey tried to tell her parents, she really did, but with both of her parents and everyone they'd ever met telling her how perfect her life was going to end up, she kept pushing it to the back-burner. Chloe's eyes would grow a little less bright every time she made up some excuse about why she didn't say anything. Soon she stopped asking, and every time Aubrey would show her a new photo she'd remark that it was beautiful, but there was always a tinge of sadness to her voice as if Chloe felt like seeing these snapshots of what Aubrey could be were too painful. When Aubrey asked her why she'd gotten so down, Chloe confessed that she was trying to not to feel too much with her, because in just a little more time, she'd be in San Francisco teaching kindergarten and Aubrey would be in law school in New York. Aubrey confessed that being with Chloe was the only time she felt anything that resembled happiness.

Feelings, romantic feelings, were something they didn't talk about much. Chloe was the one who slipped occasionally, confessing that she thought the blonde beautiful, or stunning, or intoxicating. Aubrey hadn't figured on feeling this way with a woman like Chloe, with a woman at all, and she wanted so badly to ignore the fact that they would soon be on opposite sides of the country and allow herself to give in to what her heart wanted for a change, just to see what it was like. So when she kissed Chloe, soft and unsure because she'd still not done this before, not even as a college senior, and felt her heart beating to a rhythm she couldn't quite pin down, it was earth-shattering in more than one way. Because she wanted everything else in the world to disappear so she could just kiss her forever. But she knew that despite being tough and determined and relentless, when it came to what the Posens wanted, Aubrey was weak. She hated herself for being stupid enough to feel something that amazing knowing she couldn't have it forever, and spending two days crying afterwards because she knew she'd never be brave enough to be anything other than an involuntary passenger in her own life.

She tried not to be in love with Chloe, but after their first kiss she knew she was helpless against her. When her mother continually called and said that she had a great idea and Aubrey should meet up with the son of some friend or another, she rebuffed her. Her father was proud, like she wasn't interested in building a family until the career was underway, and her mother eased off. But it wasn't that at all, it was that she wanted to have Chloe for just a little while. Something all to herself that made her happy, even if they weren't properly together. Just seeing the redhead soothed her anxiety, and those eyes felt like the anchor that was stopping her from losing herself completely. But when she was alone, the guilt of what she was doing was almost unbearable. It wasn't fair to Chloe to expect so much and promise so little. Aubrey hated herself, now because it seemed like the only person she would end up disappointing was the only one who wasn't asking anything of her.

_When everyone's waiting  
__It makes it harder to hear what my heart keeps saying  
__Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off_

Chloe was happy to be what Aubrey needed to an extent, but there were days when she couldn't handle it at all. She knew what it was like for Aubrey, she'd heard the endless tales. But she had to draw the line somewhere before she got hurt. It was hard for her, but she did it, because Aubrey didn't seem to know what line she was drawing on any given day when it came to whatever they were doing. Aubrey remembered the conversation well, because it was the day she felt the world stop spinning. She'd just brushed an innocent kiss on Chloe's lips, inhaling the familiar smell and feeling of comfort. Chloe had pulled back and shook her head. 'No, Aubrey. We can't.' And she'd been perfectly reasonable and incredibly eloquent and Aubrey had known this was coming. Chloe couldn't be what Aubrey needed because Aubrey refused to let her in, properly, and admit that her grand plan was not what she wanted.

Aubrey relinquished that part of her life easily, for Chloe, but didn't surrender the friendship. They were careful to keep an appropriate distance physically, because sometimes all it took was proximity and Aubrey would be considering throwing caution to the wind. But she'd promised Chloe she'd never talk like that unless she actually meant it. Soon graduation rolled around and she'd settled with the idea Cornell, but Chloe was still going to San Francisco and the impending loss hurt more than anything she'd experienced in her life thus far. More than not getting into Harvard, more than having no friends as a child, more than the times she'd sat up at night and wondered if her parents actually loved her, or loved the way she made them look. She was not ready to be without Chloe now that she had had her, and despite the fact that the world was waiting for her to emerge and tackle a law degree and career in true Posen fashion, she wanted none of it. She just wanted her, whole and complete.

There could have been a better time for Aubrey to confess this to Chloe than the morning of graduation, both their cars packed to the brim with their belongings. Chloe had cried and told her that she wanted to believe it, but that they both knew she was going to New York and that she wasn't mad, she was just upset because Aubrey could be a good lawyer. A great one. But she was better than great, she was exceptional, and that was why she loved her. Aubrey sat through the graduation ceremony hearing those words over and over. She delivered a perfect valedictorian speech about seizing opportunities and making the most of life, and almost snorted because she was a hypocrite and a coward. After the ceremony, Chloe met her parents and listened as they gushed about how their little girl would be a star. Chloe had smiled in that same radiant way and said 'She already is'. Aubrey stole her away, and cried as she hugged her, but Chloe pressed a kiss into her hair and said, 'If you ever do make up your mind, you know where to find me', before she walked away.

_But everyone is waiting  
__I hear that answers appear when you just stand still  
__But make it all, how do you make it all stop  
__When everyone is waiting?  
__Everyone is waiting._

Aubrey looked out of the window of her new apartment, a redheads arms wrapped around her waist and face nuzzling into her neck. She could see the Golden Gate Bridge if she leaned a little to the left, but instead she just closed her eyes. It was pretty much the furthest away from Pennsylvania she could get, but for some reason she still felt eyes drilling in to the back of her head, boring into her skull the way her father and mother had stared at her as she walked away from them. It was the day before she was supposed to leave for Cornell, and she had spent the entire previous day explaining to her parents why she wasn't going to law school. Rather, she told them she didn't want to even be a lawyer and work in a big city firm and marry some other lawyer or investment manager or executive and have a bunch of blue blood babies who she would raise to be just like her. And they'd railed and raged and demanded to know what had happened to make her throw away what only could have been a stellar and rewarding legal career.

It was Chloe, of course. It had been the dead middle of summer and she had slipped away from yet another garden party before her mother could introduce her to some new Lacoste clad boy with a promising future. She stole away through the trees and found a quiet corner where the gaudy lights were invisible and she could see the stars. It was perfectly still, and it was gorgeous, but she was desperately unhappy. She prayed to a god she supposed she believed in, since she'd never been give the choice not to, that if she was supposed to be doing something else, there would be a sign. It was almost crazy to her that she was sitting here and demanding some kind of cosmic intervention. And then she called. Chloe called, and Aubrey almost didn't remember how to answer her phone, but she did, in tears and mumbling words like regret and despair and promise and future. Chloe just listened and in the way she always did, she reduced the crux of her problems to a single sentence. 'Sometimes you can't look for the answers, you have to stay still enough to let them find you.' And she knew that Chloe was right, Chloe had always been right. So she'd told her parents that she was leaving and moving to San Francisco because of photography and love and a redhead named Chloe who never asked anything of her when the whole world was waiting for her to fulfill something she never wanted.

It had been Chloe, but not Chloe's fault. It wasn't Chloe's fault that she'd been the only person to ever tell her that having a dream different to her parents wasn't dumb. It wasn't Chloe's fault that she'd been the kind of person to encourage those dreams. It was Aubrey's fault for listening but not having the guts to do something about it years ago. It was Aubrey's fault for believing her when she said she could do great things on her own. It was Aubrey's fault for falling in love with her and needing her to the point where she would gladly forsake the promise of her stupid law career, her family, and everything that she thought was certain. So when the ultimatum came, law school or nothing, she chose nothing. Because nothing came with Chloe and an apartment in San Francisco. It came with planning to visit some of the places and experience them the way she had in her dreams. It came with paintings from Chloe's kindergarten kids, it came with photos that she took hanging on the walls. It came with knowing that people thought she'd come around eventually, but believing that she never would because she was standing still and letting happiness happen to her for a change.


End file.
